Back in the days before my heart calcified into a tiny petrified stone rattling around in my chest I was Mr. Romance (props to you if you can tell me who I am quoting when I call myself that). Blue roses on Valentine’s Day, spontaneous gifts strategically hidden so that he finds them when he least expects it, cards and notes just to say “I love you” or “Good luck today”. I did all of that. Because my mission in life was to make my man feel like he won the lottery the day he wifed me down. So I made sure that Mr. Max got a Hollyw0od-esque grand gesture on a regular basis. The thing is though that – as sweet and thoughtful as these moves were – those men could not really have cared less. Because that’s girl romance and it just doesn’t have the same effect on men as man-romance does. And it’s not that men don’t want or need romantic gestures, it’s just that a man’s definition of romance is wildly different from a woman’s. For a woman, romance is the big flashy gestures. It involves flowers or gifts, dates for which you have to dress up, restaurants where the napkins are linen and not paper. It’s public declarations of undying affection and long evenings spent cuddling and gazing lovingly into one another’s eyes. That’s what gets most womens’ motors running. For men though, romance is very different. It’s much more practical and much less airy-fairy. It’s less about spending quality time together and more about facilitating him doing what he wants to do. And I think that when it comes to romancing a man, most women don’t have the first clue how to go about it. So allow me, my dear readers, to school you on how to romance your man in ways he actually gives a shit about.

Every man has something he likes to see his wifey in. For some men it’s a t-shirt and no panties, for others it’s a prim suit and glasses with her hair in a bun. Some freaky cats are into French maid uniforms, men who listen to Drake are into sweatpants, hair tied, chilling with no makeup on. Smart and efficient men like to see you naked. Whatever it is your man likes, let him see it ladies. There is nothing wrong with strategically arranging yourself on the couch so that your naked body in all its glory is the first thing he sees when he walks through the door. Nothing at all. Showing up to your man’s place in a trench coat with nothing underneath may be a cliche, but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to want to see it. And never, ever – ever – underestimate the power of keeping your heels on during sex. That is full of win. 2. Serve the drinks and leave the room. I’m of the opinion that if it’s your man’s turn to host boys’ night it’s your turn to exit stage left. But I know a lot of you ladies do not appreciate being forced to evacuate your home and not being there to see who is putting their dutty feet up on your couch or resting drinks on your table without a coaster. I can respect that. But if you’re going to stay home while he’s watching football with the fellas, instead of squinging yourself on the couch in the middle of them because you “like football too”, why not make yourself useful and make sure everyone’s plate is full and the drinks are flowing. I know that Gloria Steinem and her band of merry women did not burn their bras so you could quietly serve your man and his ingrate friends but hey we’re being romantic here right? And what’s more romantic for a man than being able to show off how well-trained his wifey is? Not much I can think of.

As previously discussed, nothing brightens a gloomy day like smut. It will kick off the blues quicker than The Foreign Exchange, trust me on this. So the next time you’re at work thinking of your guy and how much you love and appreciate him, instead of sending him that sappy text telling him how lucky you are to have him, do this: get up, shut your door, pull down your pants, and take a picture of your pussy. Send it to him. That will make him smile way harder than any words you could text. 4. The halftime blow job. At the risk of oversharing, I’ll tell you right now that the halftime blow job is a staple at my house. Think about it – when your man is home alone watching the game, he’s probably not doing much else. He needs to focus and, unlike women, that doesn’t mean just watching when the game is in play. It means watching the pre-game, the commercials, the replays, and the post-game. It’s a process and he must immerse himself in it. However, this does not mean that he does not want head. Men always want head and if yours doesn’t you probably have a bigger problem than a lack of romance on your hands. So why not help him multi-task by blessing the mic during the halftime report? He gets the best of both worlds and there’s not much more man-romantic than that. Just make sure you stay low and try not to moan too much – he needs to be able to see and hear everything.

I know you think you’re really doing something when your man comes home after a bad day and you’re there waiting for him with a sympathetic smile and an offer to rub his back. And I’m sure he really appreciates it – if that’s all that’s on the table. But instead why not try having a meal ready and waiting for him? Let him eat it and do not talk him to death while he does so. After he eats, let him digest and then jump his bones. Let him fuck you any way he wants to and then miss him with all that post-coitus pillow talk you love so much. Let him sleep – and don’t even think about making him cuddle. Now that’s romance. So there you go ladies. I cannot help you with this epidemic of men not romancing you, but I have given you everything you need to romance your man. So tell me – what do you think of my ideas? Are any of these moves already in your repertoire? Is this really what men consider romance or having I been messing with nothing but bad seeds? Men how do you like to be romanced? Speak on it in the comments?